I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.