My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire