Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’m crying im so happy for them
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.