Always the camel, never the toe.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
#Caturday
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it