I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
accurate