I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Monica just destroyed the internet
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*