If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.