7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.