[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.