*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
shut up and take my money
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel