*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.