That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I laughed at this way too hard.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.