“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal