Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.