…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
WTF IS THAT!
My patience has stretch marks.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.