My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what