Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
You got this…
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately