What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”