WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not