First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…