[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie