Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen