For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Love is in the air fryer.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
what the
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.