Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else