*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Word!
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
sensitive skin
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.