Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
the best thing i’ve ever made
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…