Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Cat.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude