I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.