If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Spell check is for lasers.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Saturday
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.