One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you