how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
The USS B port
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?