eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
ok like just. call me at this point
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
#merica
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?