This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
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True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I feel seen.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.