My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”