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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*looks at you in batman voice*
We have a winner.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal