My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!