I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
wait.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them