I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn鈥檛 tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: 鈥kay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Shania Twain: That don鈥檛 impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it鈥檚 positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My husband doesn鈥檛 worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 馃Ч
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would鈥檝e been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.