Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Bike for sale
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work