For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.