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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”