Just had my nails done!
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.