Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.