Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
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Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“no gods no masters” = leo
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?