Encore…
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Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Perfect
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
How funny!
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T