My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
🤣🤣
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
starting a garage orchestra
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.