how to have an accident 101
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.