Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
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There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.