FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Your secret is safeish with me
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
ok like just. call me at this point
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.