Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.